The curious incident of the milk in the afternoon

[spyderfyngers]

Act one: In which Verity and Gabriel attempt a simple household task.

V: I wants me tea.
G: Agreed. To the kitchen!
V: Alas! We have no milk.
G: I saw some in the freezer. Let's use that.
V: But it's a block of milk-flavoured ice.
G: *puts the bottle of milk in the microwave*
V: Won't that kill us?
G: Meh. *cranks up the dial*

Some time later:

Microwave: Ping!
G: Still frozen.

Some time later:

Microwave: Ping!
G: Still frozen. Cap's still on. We can always re-freeze it if it doesn't work.
V: Surely there's some kind of hygienic reason why we shouldn't...
G: Do you want tea or not?
V: Ohmercifulheavensyes.

Act two: In which the unhappy pair orchestrate thier own demise.

G: Hmm. We have a problem.
Milk: *still frozen solid*
V: If we use a spoon we can drain off the excess...
G: *Produces pointy knife*
V: ...and the ice will melt in the tea. Here's a spoo-
G: STABBITY STABBITY STAB!
Milk: *spurts*
V: Um...
G: *ceases to stab*
Milk: *continues to spurt*
G: Ah.
Milk: *bleeds*

Act three: "Doctor! You...can't!"

G: *plasters a bundle of kitchen roll over the small-but-determined stab wound* It's all fun and games until someone takes the wad of paper away.
V:  What we need is a jug or something to stand it in while it melts.
G: We could decant it into one of those washing up liquid bottles?
V: Green, soapy milk...?
G: ...
Milk: *spurts*
V: At least we have tea now.
Milk: *plops iceberg-like into the mugs*

Act four: In which the guilty pair hide the body:

G: It won't fit in the fridge. We just need to take away this vegetable tray...
Fridge door: *refuses to shut*
G: ...And the bottom shelf.
Milk: *sits bleeding in a ceramic jelly mould stolen from the draining board*
V: What are we going to do about the hole?
G: *Sellotape*
G: Hopefully the glue won't leach into the milk and poison us...
Milk: *bleeding mass of punctured plastic, Sellotape and dislodged fridge components*
V&G: *crack up*
V: Anyway! At last we have tea.
G: *giggles so much he spills his tea on the floor*
V: Oh for...

EDIT: For the benefit of my boyfriend's chronic anal-retention I have made the following ammendments to this post:

Sellotape has two ls, not one. It is also a registered company, so requires a capital letter. The Sellotape® Company is owned by Henkel Consumer Adhesives, part of the largest adhesive company in the world. Sellotape® was first launched into the stationery trade in the 1930's. Since then it has become a leading brand of clear adhesive tape. The word 'Sellotape' even has its own entry in the Oxford English Dictionary as a brand name.Consumer awareness of the brand is very strong. 71% of UK consumers will buy the Sellotape® brand in preference to other brands of sticky tape, based on quantative consumer research. Sellotape® has been featured three times in the Superbrands' book of the world's greatest brands.

For those interested in further Sellotape-related reading, please refer to their informative homepage, or write to them at:

The Sellotape® Company (NZ) 9 Astley Avenue New Lynn P.O.Box 2484 Auckland New Zealand. Tel: +64 9 827 6039 Fax: +64 9 827 5114

Thankyou for reading Lady Verity's livejournal. Have a sticky, capitalised evening.