spyderfyngers: (...tea?)
[personal profile] spyderfyngers
I just came to the startling realisation that I've never written down the recipe for the cake of chocolately alcoholic death I make when I have visitors.

The Devil would eat this cake after giving faux-birth to a wooden doll in a Whitechapel molly house full of petticoated sphyilitic sailors.

'Tis, to my knowledge, the only dessert officially endorsed by a genuine tattooed gothic fag hag: "I like the subtle taste of cake around this rum" - [livejournal.com profile] sistermorticia

Mother Clap's Vampirate Porno Cake
  • 115 g butter
  • 84 g unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 400 g white sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • A metric shitload of dark rum. Preferably something with pirates or a Union Jack on the bottle.
  • 280 g all-purpose flour
  • 7 g baking soda
  • 2 g salt
  • 60 ml milk
  • 5 ml distilled white wine vinegar
  • Vanilla essence
  • Red food colouring, if you're feeling frisky.
  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease a couple of fairly deep round pans.
  2. In a small pan melt the butter or margarine with the unsweetened chocolate. Set aside to cool slightly.
  3. Cream together the sugar and the eggs until lightish in color. Add the chocolate mixture to the eggs and beat well, imagining a florid headmaster slobbering over the school choir.
  4. Add roughly a half pint of rum. Mixture will be very liquid and very flammable.
  5. I used to add a spoonful of red food colouring here to turn the cake a groovy velvety colour, but it made people loopy. If you want to watch your friends become excitable and glassy-eyed, go ahead.
  6. Add a couple of tablespoons of vanilla, to taste.
  7. Mix together the flour, baking soda, and salt. Add this mixture to the chocolate mixture and blend well.
  8. Mix together the vinegar and the milk and stir into the chocolate batter. Pour into prepared pan(s).
  9. Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.


You can fill it full of gooey stuff if you want. I'm no good at gooey stuff, so I just mix up more rum, more sugar and chocolate powder and slap it on. People are usually too intoxicated to notice. It would probably go well with some sort of sour cherry concoction.

Serve with a glass of rum in a safe, secure environment free of pointy objects or bright lights.
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